exo_fanfic (exo_fanfic) wrote,

you keep me up and down

title: you keep me up and down
pairing: sehun/kai, sehun/luhan (undertoneofchanyeol/kyungsoo, andabitoflay/kai)
rating: pg-13
wordcount: 10k+
genre: romance, angst.
summary: in which jongin loves sehun and sehun is an idiot.
disclaimer: i just own the story, none of the boys.
a/n: the fuck. haha. okei. i kind of got lazy on caps, unbeta'ed. plz excuse the incoherency. (same verse as let's wrap you around my finger remember that small sekai, its this monster now.)

you keep me up and down

they’ve always been friends, for as far as jongin can remember, he’s always been hanging with sehun, ever since elementary school, they were what you’d call childhood friends, and it was not a surprise when they got stuck together in the same high school, same life style, well, when it came to music. it’s what brought them together in the beginning after all.

it was during the first round of audition for the elementary school orchestra and band club, that’s when they found themselves next to each others during practice, the only ones who’d stick together and not try to get lose in cliques, just be themselves. sehun was kind of quiet, and shy at first, but jongin discovered in this situation, he was actually the shyer one, sehun was definitely the first one to have spoken to him. a quiet hello actually and it had started everything, with jongin’s small smile and sehun light tilt of the head, a seat taken next to each other for the rest of the first year and all the other years to come.

it lasted seven years, no one, absolutely no one can believe jongin is older right now, because call it puberty but sehun’s gotten taller, and leaner and also his voice’s gotten a bit lower than jongin’s. it was frustrating, when at the beginning of high school jongin noticed he stopped growing and yet, sehun was already reaching his height and even going over it. but he never stopped ruffling sehun’s hair, because sehun hates it when it’s messed with, just that now he has to look up instead of down to do it, and the smirk on sehun’s face was really annoying, so annoying jongin would end up pulling a bit on his hair and make him whine and slap his hand harshly away.

that’s what they are, just friends, who’ve known each other for so long, and who now live together with two other friends, older, much older than them, the other members of the band they’re part of. but sehun moved out of his hometown and jongin too and they both decided for seoul, because seoul is the city of south korea and it’s just normal that teenagers like them would want to live a dream in seoul, the soul of lights.

it was more by luck though, that they ended in a group with kyungsoo and baekhyun. just that, they went in that bar, looking older than their age to need any fake ids or any verification, the guards had just let them walk inside and they’d seen the notice that two people were looking for a drummer and guitarist. which was too perfect to be true, because those had been jongin and sehun respective roles back in elementary school and now yeah, they just jumped on the chance, because they continued to do the same even in high school, and it might take their minds off missing their parents.

so baekhyun hadn’t been fooled about their ages, had immediately told them that they looked under age and he wouldn’t take responsibility if the police came, kyungsoo had freaked out and almost not given them the job when baekhyun had mentioned that, but looked like he could be easily calm down by his friend and he reluctantly agreed to it, but agreed and then they were born, the four of them.

it’s been what, some months now, summer is already there and no school for another two months, and they’ve been enjoying the city of seoul, its streets and everything else. night clubs, the heat of bodies, and yes, jongin has always been the player between them, with lot of girls wanting to do something for him ever since he’d gotten fifteen years old and able to get more than sehun could.

though jongin was too shy most of the times, but when he was on the dance floor, it was a different thing, it was also one of the things jongin loved, dancing, he just loved music period, but dancing was one of the things he was most proud of. it was like his body was made for this, sehun and him knows that if it wasn’t so hard to make it in the dancing industry, he’d totally go for it, and also if his parents weren’t so scared of the commercial side of music, he’d totally go and audition, take his chance, take a risk. but he promised to not do any of it while going to school, maybe after he’s done his parents are going to trust him more.

but jongin, with the amount of girls he’s ever flirted with, isn’t quite ashamed of still being a virgin, though on sehun side it’s quite doubtable, totally doubtable. jongin is the one who gets it on the dance floor, isn’t shy to move his body and grind and kyungsoo and baekhyun tease him a lot about it, and the facial expression he has too and the way it feels like he just wants to get the girl in his bed and fuck her senseless, when in fact poor girl should run away because jongin is only doing this for the music.

and jongin, has never been ashamed to show that he liked both sides, boys and girls, he was young, and exploring, he’d really love to. really love to, he would, but it’s quite impossible for him right now. it’s been impossible since he turned sixteen and caught sehun upstairs, after a party, on a bed with a body lying next to him, a naked boy who’d stumbled out flustered and ran past jongin before he could say anything and just stare at sehun waking up, rubbing his eyes and looking up at him then getting out a sleepy morning, ‘s up.

from that day on, jongin knew, maybe he had known before that, when one day sehun started looking down at him instead of the other way round and he’d grinned down at him and ruffled jongin’s hair instead of the other way round and he had been so out of breath and just staring into space until the bell for class rang, maybe he had known it then. but the ache and the dull throbbing pain in his chest then, that had him nearly clenching his fist to his chest, but instead he let them at his sides as he took in a deep breath and told himself it was okay, sehun and him were just friends.

that was the mantra of his life, sehun and him were just friends. at times when it gets too hard and jongin ahs to keep his words to himself, or slur them on a couple of drinks while kyungsoo watches and disapproves but can’t do much, he repeats it to himself louder, whispers louder than before. until his heart is wounded all over again and he watches sehun looking at someone else but him.

jongin is always been seen as the player, but sehun likes it more, sehun likes to have people’s warmth in his bed more than jongin does and it bothers them all at night so now he just goes to hotels and such or he does it in the club and it lets jongin with the need to puke, be it that he’s drunk or not. especially when sehun smells like sex and an unfamiliar perfume later and jongin scrunches his nose, tells him to go take a bath before he wants to pull him in a hug, because it sickens him.

but all of those, were just little flings, nothing to worry about, because somehow, in the back of his mind jongin keeps hoping, even though baekhyun tells him it’s a lost case he keeps hoping, that one day, sehun might see him, look at him and realize that jongin only has eyes for him.

until sehun met luhan.

it was just a fling at first too, but sehun didn’t get it on with luhan on the first night. it was so slow, the way he just glared at the dance floor where luhan and jongin had been dancing, because luhan was adorable, and jongin fancied a dance with an adorable guy, especially when the guy has been snatching sehun’s eyes since he stepped inside of the club in the middle of their performance.

he thought he had it under control, jongin thought it wouldn’t go further, but then sehun took his courage and came up and had asked jongin if he could take luhan for a dance. he had actually looked at jongin and asked him, he had been so taken aback, that blinking countless times had been the only thing reasonable to do to clear his throat and make sure his voice wouldn’t sound as broken as how he felt when he voiced out a soft sure, and moved away, he hadn’t looked back, what was the need, he had known what would have happened afterwards.

and it’s been a week since that incident and sehun hasn’t danced with anyone else but luhan each night. but then, jongin took his mind off it, it will pass, of course, because sehun always gets rid of his flings, one week isn’t that long, so he concentrated and focused on a plan him and baekhyun made to get kyungsoo a lover. he just sat and watched as sehun came back home, for a week, the week after the plan for kyungsoo to get laid worked, and the week after that, he just sat and took in the smell of luhan still lingering in sehun’s clothes, probably plastered all over sehun’s skin.


the taste of luhan is probably against the lips sehun’s using right now to bite off a piece of a toast jongin was holding up for himself when he walks in the kitchen.

“you stink.” jongin says, he always says so, but it’s bitter than usually, still sehun gets this arching eyebrows up and not getting what jongin mean looks before understanding dawns on him and he laughs it off, he laughs it off, he laughs it off. jongin quickly puts the piece of toast back on its plate and moves away from sehun’s arms reaching for him, “i have to go, you should really shower.” jongin mutters and then he’s out of the kitchen, leaving behind a bewildered sehun who blinks up at baekhyun sipping on his coffee carefully and keeping his eyes on where jongin was sitting awhile ago.

baekhyun looks up when sehun lets out a quiet, “what’s wrong with him?” and shakes his head, sighing, “he’s your best friend, ask him.” sehun frowns, “you’re so dumb.” baekhyun sighs again and walks out of the kitchen, “i’ll be upstairs, if kyungsoo comes in, tell him he needs to talk to me, urgently please.” are his last words to sehun as he walks upstairs.


jongin goes to the gym and works out until sweating feels disgusting on his skin and his shirt is soaked in it and his hair is damp. he walks to the nearest sink and watches his face then just stands there watching the water run, fingers under it, watching it slide through his fingers, just like sehun’s sliding through his life. he’s always been transparent, hasn’t he? this is how it feels to be crushed over and over again, he feels stupid, he shouldn’t get mad at sehun, he’s the one who tried to get rid of his feelings, maybe if he did take the risk, maybe if he took the chance to tell sehun how he felt, maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation.

but no, jongin shakes his head, rejection would be much worse than just being ignored, he can’t imagine telling sehun that he loves him and ending up destroying what they have, what they’ve built for so long. he just, what if—it ends up tearing them apart. maybe he should just be torn on his own, maybe he hasn’t tried hard enough to forget. so many maybes jongin feels like he’s going insane, he shuts the tap and bag over his shoulder head for the dance studio, he just wants to waste time, he doesn’t want to think about luhan’s taste on sehun’s lips, sehun’s mouth on his toast, that he’d eaten a bit on, no he doesn’t want to.

his phone vibrates in his pocket before he has the chance to even step out of the gym, he picks up the call, and stiffens at the sound of sehun’s voice at the other line, he isn’t in the mood, he’s going to be cranky and he’s going to see something mean, like in the morning, he feels like telling sehun to call him later, but then sehun’s already talking and jongin is nibbling on his bottom lip trying to fight back a smile. “let’s hang out, just you and me, let’s go shopping or grab some bubble tea yeah?”
jongin fights and fights, but how does he fight against something he can’t even fucking control, he ends up smiling, it’s tiny but the breathless sound he makes gives him away and sehun laughs softly, it tickles the inside of jongin’s, really it does. “is that a yes? are you smiling?” jongin scoffs and sighs, “yeah, okay, at what time.” he glances at his watch and listens to sehun tell him in an hour, at their usual café.

jongin hangs up, holds the tip of the phone against his nose and frowns, he isn’t sure of anything anymore. just that, he’s just going to, go and enjoy their old times together and it’s going to be just that. well, lately, sehun’s been hanging more with luhan than him, he’s just been living off luhan’s name, he’s been breathing luhan’s air and been living luhan’s life, when he’s just known him for a month and jongin has been cast aside.

so he’s just glad, he hasn’t been completely forgotten, he’s just glad sehun still wants to talk to him, stick with him.


jongin, don’t get your hopes up, don’t hope, don’t believe, don’t do it. how many times, did he tell himself that, how many times did he repeat it in his mind, how many times did he break his own heart with the same sentence same words over and over again. but jongin never learns, sehun is so present and jongin never learns. really never learns, this is why he’s stuck there, with sehun smiling and talking and jongin swallowing his milkshake with a lump in his throat that won’t slide down as easily as the taste of strawberry in his mouth does.

jongin never learns and sehun is smiling, but not at him, up at luhan who has just walks inside and has plopped down next to sehun, offered a smile to jongin and leaned in and kissed sehun’s lips. jongin keeps his eyes down and wonders if the gods are against him, if they want to send him some kind of message, that this is what he gets for trying to make his love real, for trying to make something out of his life.

he laughs, but he isn’t sure if he sounds like a laugh, and sehun and luhan looks up, “what’s funny?” sehun asks, because he thinks jongin is acting pretty strangely since this morning, was it something that he didn’t pick on, or was it new? he had never been offended by jongin telling him to take a shower, but this morning, something had been off right. jongin stops laughing, he didn’t realize he did it out loud, he open his mouth to say something but then he looks at luhan and back at sehun, and back and forth until he settles on sehun’s face and everything hurts again.

it’s hard to breath, it’s hard to focus, it’s hard to talk, it’s hard to think, and humiliating tears are also starting to appear, he’s never felt so weak in his whole life, never felt so close to breaking down and spitting it all out and fuck if it was going to make them go further away from each other, jongin feels like saying it. i fucking love you, you idiot, that’s what’s funny, because you’re sitting there with someone you obviously have the biggest crush on and you’ve never, never veer opened your eyes and looked at me the way i wanted you to. this is fucking sick, jongin shakes his head, the coner of his mouth tugs up again and he tears his eyes away from sehun to look at luhan, it’s easier, he isn’t starting to hate luhan, so it’s easier to bow his head a little and excuse himself.

“i have—dance practice.” he quickly says and then he’s up, bag up on his shoulders, quickly gathering a falling side of his shirt up against his collarbone, and trying hard not to let any tears out. he catches luhan’s worried look, he doesn’t want him to know too, but god he’s looking so pathetic right now. he doesn’t even give a fuck about sehun asking what is wrong, he just has to escape, he wants to breathe, he wants something new, he wants to forget. jongin literally runs out of the café. Sehun stands, wanting to run after him but luhan is quick to grab his hand, and he’s stopped looks down at his lover and hesitates, “give him some time alone?” luhan says and tilts his head and sehun just takes his seat back, fumbling quickly in his pockets and texts a quick i’ll call you, or call me when you’re done to jongin’s phone.


jongin dances until he feels his legs giving up, but he doesn’t stop the pain makes him forget, the ache in his limbs distracts him and he forgets, he can put aside, those in his chest. his arms too, are starting to feel numb from too much dancing, his back is in much more pain when he tries to do one move and jongin winces but doesn’t stop.

he’s sweating and it’s disgusting, it won’t stop getting in his eyes, and it’s blurring his sight, he can’t even hear the music anymore. he doesn’t know what he’s dancing for anymore, he’s suddenly deaf and the only sounds he can hear is the pounding of his heart and it’s loud and covered with his pants. another failed attempt at a move and jongin’s world stops altogether when he crashes on the floor and his ankle hurts, it twist and something hurts so he quickly tries to stand up again but no chance, it shots up his leg and he has to fall back on the ground and holds onto his ankle.

fuck, tell him, he didn’t just break something in his ankle, this better be just a small sprain. fuck, fuck, he chants and closes his eyes to stop more sweat from getting in them, he licks his lips and sits on the ground, holding his ankle, when he opens his eyes again, he isn’t so sure, but his tongue is licking at his lips and it’s too salty to be just sweat, there’s the strong taste of sweat and the soft taste of tears.

his eyes will be red, not from all the sweat he got in his eyes, but from all the tears that have been coming out since he started dancing. but he doesn’t even care, his ankle is throbbing with pain and his voice is coming out in tiny sobs but he doesn’t even give a shit anymore, fuck it all, he will stop loving sehun, he has to stop loving sehun, he just has to, jongin has to stop loving sehun. it hurts too much, it makes everything impossible to do and he cries too much, his tears comes out so easily. what’s so good about love? he could get anyone he wants. he can do it the way sehun does and lose this fucking stupid virginity that’s thrown in his face as yet another proof of how stupid and how foolish he’d been for so long.

he messed up though, because he just lost his ankle and with it took away his excuse to run away every time, dancing. shit, it really hurts, jongin winced lightly trying to walk on the hurt ankle and nope, nothing would make him put more pressure on it for today. guess dancing session was done, for like another week or so, he knew these type of injuries, the more you forced yourself to dance on them, the worse they get, he just had to rest his ankle for awhile.

for now, a shower, and a few drinks after they would be done performing tonight at the club would be more than just appreciated.


he doesn’t even have time to breathe, as soon as he steps inside of the night club sehun rushes towards him and grabs his arm then tugs him until he finds a room and he pushes jongin inside. he sighs and turns around, slightly annoyed and tries not to stumble because his ankle is still hurting, but he doesn’t want to show it, especially not to sehun, so he can show some sort of concern towards the friend that jongin is to him.

“i told you to call me.” sehun starts and stands in front of the door, like he knows if he moves jongin might just rush out and not listen to what he has to say. “yeah? well, my phone died, i didn’t read the message, more like i couldn’t.” that wasn’t a lie, he saw sehun’s name on his screen and then shut his phone, it wasn’t a lie, he hadn’t read the message because he couldn’t really. this irritation he just felt without knowing how to get rid of it, just sehun’s face was enough to bring him close to hitting something or maybe hurting his other ankle and then the pain, pain is always a good way to get rid of the ache in his chest.

“jongin-ah,” sehun says softly and bites on his bottom lip and jongin watches him fidgets, “what is it? we have to perform soon, so if you could make it quick.” he doesn’t mean to sound so irritated and annoyed and bitchy but it just comes naturally, so he looks away when sehun frowns down at him. “it’s just—” he tries to justify himself but sehun is already talking, “don’t bring stupid excuses, you’ve been snapping at me for nothing the entire week, i don’t get it, did i do something?”

jongin looks up, the way sehun asks it, as if he doesn’t know, which is true, he doesn’t know, but still knowing he doesn’t and is just so clueless and oblivious only make jongin’s jaw tighten and he inhales sharply before gathering all his strength to show a smile and take a step forward, “you didn’t do anything.” jongin starts, voice low and looks down, he’s about to lie, really, he isn’t that good at it, but he’s about to lie he will do it because he needs to not let sehun on the road of doubting, ever doubting how he felt right now, jealous, self-conscious, totally and stupidly in love with someone he will never have.

“i just, i had a rough week, sorry and i just sprained my ankle, and i just want some quiet time.” jongin nibbles on his bottom lip, hoping his voice, and expression and everything he’s saying makes sense, he doesn’t lower his gaze when sehun holds his eyes and they just stare. it takes a lot for jongin to not just storm right out of the room, because they’re too close, his hand against sehun’s shoulder seems to burn so he quickly takes it away and rubs it against his arm, “can we leave now? i’m okay, we’re okay.”

sehun nods as if to reassure himself more than to acknowledge jongin’s words but before they leave he opens his arms and wraps them around jongin, pulls him in a hug in which jongin freezes and stares at the door, nose pressed against sehun’s shoulder before he moves his head and rests his chin on top of it. “i just, i don’t want to lose you, and if i did anything to hurt you, i want you to tell me, you have to be honest with me right?” sehun asks and tilts his head makes jongin flinch with his breath tickling the skin on his neck and jongin wonders if he’s aware of what he’s doing, because if he isn’t then fucking hell he’s doing a pretty good job at making jongin feel more and more irritated.

“it’s not you, don’t worry, you did nothing wrong.” jongin quickly pulls out of the hug, knows his words are totally not reflecting his action when he walks past sehun and opens the door and then runs out of it, throwing a quick, “it’s our turn, hurry, or you’ll be late.” without looking behind. he messes with his bangs as he walks to the stage where kyungsoo and baekhyun are already waiting, huffs loudly and smiles up at them, walking on the stage and goes to sit behind his drums.


“so like, you want to get someone tonight?” baekhyun asks and gives him a glass, “yeah, i mean, might be time i finally get someone right?” jongin plays with the border of the glass in his hand and then sighs and looks up to find baekhyun grinning at him, “what?” he asks though he knows baekhyun isn’t going to say what he’s thinking, they both know what he’s thinking, he just points to the dancefloor and grabs jongin’s hand, “just, it was about time you gave him the taste of his own medicine.” jongin arches both eyebrows up but laughs softly and shakes his head.

it’s not about that he wants to say, it’s not to make sehun jealous, because he can’t be jealous after all. though baekhyun always supported that sehun was just an idiot who was taking him for granted because no matter what jongin stayed and never ever tried to date someone else, and that’s why sehun was taking him for granted, maybe if he noticed that jongin wasn’t going to be there forever, maybe he’d notice him then, the way jongin needs it. but he hadn’t believed it then, and he still didn’t believe it, like hell that could happen. not when sehun is at the bar, drinking and flirting and being a lovable idiot to his lover luhan.

jongin will never have that. his face drops for a second, he thinks about retracting but it’s too late, the music is louder and his body knows this, and his mind drifts to the beat. he can’t work out his ankle, but he can move a bit, it isn’t too upbeat just enough for jongin to look in the crowd where baekhyun left him and got lost, probably went to go make out with someone. jongin sighs softly, he should also do that, gets someone and like, do something, that was his resolution after all.

he turns and his eyes fall on sehun’s back, on the hand he has against luhan’s face, at the bar, with so many people, his eyes had to fall on the moment where sehun was leaning in to kiss luhan. he quickly closes his eyes and turns away, reaches blindly and grabs someone’s arm, anyone, jongin blinks his eyes open and ignores the tug at his heart, smiles at a stranger, shorter than him, for a bit and who has a straight expression until jongin arches an eyebrow. “wanna dance?” he asks and casts his most charming smirk, he knows it works, it always does.

the stranger shrugs and then he’s pulling jongin’s by the hips, each hands at either side and jongin gives in the music, and the heat of their bodies, it’s new, because it’s not the type of dancing where you just grind or where you just dance for the fun of it. jongin frowns, it’s a bit of flirting with just bodies, so it’s new. he likes it, he enjoys it so he presses closer when the next song is more upbeat and smiles against the neck where he’s buried his face, he feels himself forgetting for a bit about anything else but the hands that bury themselves under his shirt. he startles at first, slightly but then feels a hot breath against his neck, under his ear and fingers digging in his hips, in his skin.

he’s going to do this. jongin thinks and licks his lips and pulls back just to blink down at the stranger who has a suggestive smile on his face, jongin nods quickly, flushing brightly and he’s dragged through the crowd, a hand wrapped tightly around his wrist, it’s warm and it circles perfectly, it reminds him of the way sehun used to do the same thing and drag him on the dance floor sometimes, when they just wanted some quiet time dancing together and being sehun and jongin with each other.

he tugged on his bottom lip and shook the silly grin appearing on his face, feeling pathetic made him smile now, just great, it also made him hallucinate—oh wait no, sehun was holding his other wrist. jongin stops and the stranger too, they look behind and sehun is indeed there, as if he saw himself in jongin’s brains. “where are you going?” he asks and jongin stutters an answer out, he isn’t sure if he feels relieved or angry that the stranger takes over and steps forward.

“you know him?” he asks jongin and he quickly nods, “yeah, a friend.” then he decides taking over is better so he takes his hand away from the stranger’s grip, jongin feels like he isn’t doing it the right way, forgetting sehun when he pushes him back to the bar and looks behind at luhan watching them closely, he gives a small smile at luhan and looks back at sehun. “so now you fuck strangers?” sehun goes straight to the point and it nearly makes jongin laughs but he sighs and shakes his head.

“well, tonight yeah, not like you’re my mother or father sehun, calm down, just enjoy yourself, you should be happy i’m finally getting someone too.” jongin nods and taps on his chest, “we should celebrate my first official fuck tomorrow morning.” by the time he’s done grinning up at sehun and giving him his back before he can say anything, jongin thinks he could also go in acting as well, because that then, was a great performance. his voice never betrayed the nerves he could feel breaking in his body, and tense to the point that when he reaches for the stranger again and looks at him and tilts his head and ask, “what’s your name?” he’s shaking, his voice is shaking and the hand he grabs the stranger’s wrist with is also shaking.

“it’s yixing.”

“not a korean name.” jongin immediately remarks and yixing nods, “no, it’s not.” he laughs softly and a dimple appears on his right cheek, it’s charming so jongin stares at it when he says his name. “is it okay if i take you to my place?” yixing asks and jongin nods, “yeah, i’d like that.” it was tonight’s goal after all.


jongin can’t believe his luck. he feels so nervous, so awkward and they’re already in the bedroom. the apartment already is something he will never be able to afford, so yixing is some sort of rich guy, or his family is rich or something because even his bed is bigger than the apartment where he lives with the other boys. he’s already tugging at jongin’s belt and pulling him towards the bed, his mouth is already moving against his neck and biting down softly. jongin thinks too late about telling him to not mark, oh and fuck it, what does it matter.

he wonders if he should be thinking so much into it, though yixing’s hands are warm and they know how to pull silent shudders out of his skin and his kisses are skillful and they make jongin lean in for more and wrap his arms around his waist and press in closer. but in the back of his mind, he’s thinking about it all, about how, god he’s really doing this, he’s really going to do this. and it’s not sehun who is in his arms, it’s this guy who has a dimple that shows when he pulls back and smiles at a flushed jongin.

what is he doing? his heart won’t stop beating, and he feels bad that it’s not because of what the yare doing, but the fact that yixing’s face and smile isn’t sehun’s. is this even a good idea, jongin closes his eyes, he should do more kisses, and more skin touch, so he can forget. he even pushes yixing towards the bed until the back of his knees hit the edge and he falls down, pulling jongin on top of him, fingers laced through his hair.

jongin pulls out of the kiss at one point, pants softly and blinks down at yixing’s frown, inquiry on his face and he shakes his head, leans in again and they’re kissing again, and it’s still slightly unbelievable. jongin lets out a quiet moan at the fingers against his hips, sliding under his shirt and palms laying flat on his stomach, they slide and then one hand goes up his side while the other glides down, under the belt of his jeans and the tip of them barely grazes over—no, no—jongin quickly pulls back and stands up and takes in a deep breathe. he’s actually erected, he has a fucking hard on, he has a fucking hot mess of a yixing laying there on the bed and then sitting and looking at him with a confused expression, and he can’t do shit but just think about how this is not sehun.

jongin feels screwed up, god this was supposed to be, a step forward but he feels like this is ten step backward, infinity of steps backward and why are tears coming out of his eyes. god he must look pathetic right now, in front of someone he just met too, “i’m sorry,” he starts apologizing and shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, “sorry, i just—it’s just, it’s not right, i shouldn’t do this when i have someone else on my mind.” he lets out in a breathe and wipes his tears with the back of his mind.

he expects something like a cold retreat and “go fuck off then go home.” but actually, yixing grabs both of his hand and tugs him down until jongin is close again and he pulls jongin down until he’s straddling his lap, and how can that still be innocent, but yeah, it just feels comforting when yixing holds him in his arms and it’s like jongin needed this. a shoulder to cry on. so the tears he hadn’t been able to stop, they flow down freely.

“it’s okay,” yixing laughs softly and jongin thinks it must be beautiful, because he’s beautiful, just he’s not sehun, fucking lord his mind is crazy, his heart too. “is it that friend at the club?” yixing’s voice is smooth and quiet, maybe that’s why jongin nods against his shoulder before quickly retreating back and staring at him, fucking attractive guy he can’t fuck with because stupid sehun is still there and won’t let him do whatever he wants with his body.

“well, i mean—how.”

“i think he’s the only blind one.” yixing says and shrugs, “to put it in the most cliché sentence, you have stars in your eyes when you look at him.” jongin flushes darkly and wants to protest, oh god, dear god, if even yixing noticed it, does that mean someone else, did like, someone else aside from sehun, someone like luhan. he feels awful, does he really look at sehun like in those rose bonbon movies that makes you want to puke?

“but it’s never going to happen.” jongin quickly says and stands up, why is he even sitting on his lap, he settles next to yixing and looks at him, sighs. “i just thought, one night would help me forget.” he forgot the important rule about time healing wounds and stuffs. “well, i may not be the one to speak since we just met and you just refused me a good fuck,” jongin wants to apologize again but yixing shakes his head and laughs again, and jongin can look now and yeah it’s beautiful, why can’t he fall for yixing instead? “it’s okay, but just, i think you have a good chance to get him to notice you.” yixing says and jongin frowns, what even, is he blind or something.

“why not? you’ve got the looks, i wouldn’t have brought you to my apartment if you didn’t look damn fine, and you’ve got his attention, trust me, he wasn’t just worried back there.” jongin tilts his head and bites on his bottom lip, well, sehun’s always been kind of protective, but it was just his own way of showing concern for him, that was all. “nah,” he shakes his head, “thanks, i appreciate, but he’s never looked at me that way in seven years, it’s not going to happen now.”

“give yourself some credits.” yixing insists and jongin’s mind is too weak against all the strikes it’s been getting lately. “you should get your man back, if you want him so badly.” he adds and ruffles jongin’s hair affectionately, “i could help you if you want me to. i’ll show you that the way he protects you, isn’t innocent or platonic at all.”

jongin still hesitates, and he doubts it, because well, they just met how can yixing be so sure of himself, when he just saw sehun once. but, it’s tempting, just a tiny bit tempting.

“yeah?” he asks and his bottom lip is now being abused again by teeth that wont stop biting, “how?” he asks and can’t help but mirror yixing’s grin, then he gasps and startles when eh feels his mouth against his neck again, “wait, i, thought we can’t.” he stutters but yixing laughs against his neck, “it’s just a hickey, stay still and don’t get hard please.” he sounds so confident, as if jongin would get hard from just that.

though, he does get slightly hard, but it’s just because yixing is good at this and if jongin’s mind wasn’t entirely focused on the new way to get sehun and stop being so angsty and all, he’d have said fuck it all and done exactly just that, fucked yixing.


the spot where the hickey is still feels hot. he’s left yixing’s apartment feeling giddy and happy. they didn’t sleep at all, though not because they were having sex but because they were talking. he was lot of fun actually, though kind of quiet with a weird humor, but he knew how to make jongin at ease and he appreciated that when they were talking, even about sehun, it was still light and not heavy on him. he still couldn’t believe he cried again though, he thought he said no more crying to himself. jongin can’t help it, he has to touch his neck, he feels like hiding it, but yixing said not to. so he has to somehow, open the door of the apartment where he knows baekhyun will be waiting. it’s a saturday morning and it’s six a.m, he usually falls asleep on the couch watching some drama on friday because he says it’s his only day off schedule when it comes to fucking with people. baekhyun is really too free, but jongin envies him when he smiles up at him, a bowl of ice cream in his hand and motions for him to sit next to him.

“finally?” baekhyun asks and leans his head on his shoulder, staring at the hickey, it bothers jongin, he squirms in his spot and bites on his bottom lip. “no.” he mumbles under his breathe and pouts at the way baekhyun just sighs as if saying i knew it and stays still, so jongin is forced to look at the tv.

“i couldn’t do it, i was just so close, like this close,” jongin sighs and frowns, not so proud of himself now that he thinks about it. yixing’s lips are coming back to his mind, and he sighs again, why was he so stupid.

“well, go take a shower, unless smelling like someone else is also a fetish between you and sehun.” baekhyun stands up from the couch and jongin notices something different on him, he isn’t sure what it is until he catches it and beams. “did you get a new shirt?” he asks and frowns lightly, “i have never seen this.” baekhyun doesn’t look up from the kitchen counter, suddenly too interested in the sugar he’s pouring in his coffee, how odd.

“go shower before mummy kyungsoo gets here and scolds you for not sleeping at home.” baekhyun says when he looks up, has gathered enough self control to look at jongin and smirks softly.

“did he sleep at chanyeol’s again?” jongin asks and heads to the bathroom, “yeah, did you forget they were married.” baekhyun chuckles and jongin too, he walks past the room he shares with sehun and finds the door open. is he home, or did he sleep at luhan like most of the times? he’s just curious so he slowly pushes the door open and there’s just this huge rock that hits the bottom of his heart when he sees sehun wrapped around luhan from behind, head buried in his neck.

jongin vaguely remembers the proverb curiosity killed the cat before he thinks about jumping out of the open window maybe. but he shakes his head, silly, he walks inside of the room and does all he can to not wake them up. first because he will feel awkward standing there with watery eyes and looking at them and wanting to choke sehun to death and secondly, he didn’t want to see luhan’s eyes right now, not after he’d realized how open like a book his emotions were.

but he trips over something on the floor and he winces in pain and tries to not make too much noise. except sehun’s always been kind of a light sleeper so jongin knows when he hears a groggy voice and a shuffle, sehun is waking up, well he also glances at the bed and it kind of helps him notice his friend waking up too.

jongin offers a small smile, at least luhan isn’t awake—oh fucking lord he hopes he hasn’t just jinxed that possibility—but god is clement and only sehun wakes up and frowns before smiling softly too and going over luhan body to stand and greets jongin perfectly. he doesn’t know why or how, but he’s pulled in a hug and sehun is holding on so tight jongin thinks his bones are going to break soon, he uses the excuse of his towel in one hand to just give a pat on sehun’s back.

“dude, you’re strangling me.” jongin breathes with difficulty, not that he minds sehun’s arms, they’re not as wide as his own, but they always manage to keep jongin a safe zone, somewhere he knows nothing really matters but sehun’s breath against his neck and sehun’s body heat with his own—jongin flushes—but he still needs to live so he sighs in relief when sehun pulls back lightly and apologizes with a frown and tight lips.

“morning.” jongin stutters softly in a quiet whisper so that they don’t wake up luhan, “i have to—” he holds up his towel and sehun nods, “yeah, go take a shower.” sehun says with a low voice that sounds so much more angry right now, wait does he sound angry? jongin kind of feels like this is a reversed situation, then he reprimands himself because sehun doesn’t love him and he loves sehun, so he can’t be a reversed situation.

“also,” sehun stops him before he has to leave, “put some ice on that mark.” jongin is confused at first until he remembers the hickey and the flushes on his face darkens, he almost forgot, he manages a small nod and pulls his arm free, sehun looks reluctant to let go, “sehun?” jongin asks softly because he really need to get out of this room and breathe.

“i,” jongin waits for him to let go but sehun never does. he tightens his grip instead and sighs then looks behind him at luhan, it’s like he’s asking himself something and then he pulls jongin out of the room. like what even happens before jongin is in the bathroom and sehun is too, leaning against the door, crossing his arms over his chest and looking intensely at him, though sehun’s eyes never show real emotions unless he wants to show them.

“wh-what is it?” jongin feels like a criminal, but, he did nothing wrong, but sehun feels like he’s accusing jongin of something. “oh sehun, please stop staring and say something so i can hurry and take a shower? i pretty much stink right now.” jongin sighs, he didn’t notice anything in the way he flinched when he grabbed his arm right? it’s surely not about the way jongin has stars in his eyes when he looks at him right? because sehun couldn’t have suddenly gotten smarter when it came down to jongin’s feelings, not at all.

“right, you do stink.” sehun’s voice still has this accusing tone in it, for god sake jongin is sweating, “how was it?” sehun blurts out in a breathe and for the first time since jongin saw him this morning he ducks his head low, like he hadn’t meant to say that but it’s too late, “i—what, how was what?”

“don’t play dumb, how was it yesterday night? you and that guy, you said we had to celebrate about your first time.” sehun said that in one short breathe and jongin stares and blinks and opens his mouth in a silent o then he quickly gathers himself back and shows the best smile he can show. “it was, good, i guess.” yixing said to not let sehun know that they did nothing but talk all night.

“it didn’t hurt right?” sehun asks and he looks genuinely worried so jongin can’t help a fond smile when he shakes his head, “not at all, he was very gentle.” jongin starts then bites on his bottom lip, sehun’s frown is kind of back but he clears his throat later and does a bold move, reaches a hand and presses his index against jongin’s neck, against the still slightly burning hickey. it’s not the hickey’s that’s burning anymore, jongin knows it, and feels the flush from his neck spread everywhere, he quickly swats sehun’s hand away.

“sorry—” they say it together. to jongin it’s not new, the nerves, the hesitation, everything he hates and wants to avoid, but seeing sehun fidgets and hide his hands in his pockets and face anywhere but his face, this is new. jongin eyes move down to sehun’s foot tapping the bathroom floor and he purses his lips, “you should leave, i still need to shower.” he doesn’t know why sehun is acting this way but he doesn’t like it, it’s unsettling.

“yeah,” sehun says softly and jongin thinks he’s going to obey but he doesn’t he stays there and stares at him and jongin feels like this is more like it used to be, like it should be, him avoiding sehun’s eyes and sehun’s eyes on him, so at ease, not even blinking, so nothing changed after all.

sehun proves it too, he opens the door to the bathroom and starts walking out so jongin inhales softly and walks to close the said door behind him. that’s when everything changes. sehun doesn’t step out and slides right back in the bathroom, he actually walks so fast and his steps are so quick that jongin backs up, back against the sink and hands gripping the edge tightly. he has no time to know what is happening, it just happens.

jongin just blinks rapidly, because, how is this even real, but sehun is kissing him for fucking christ. and he’s doing it like he wants to breathe through jongin’s mouth and when he inhales so deeply and locks his mouth around jongin’s, he can’t keep his eyes open anymore so he closes them, he can’t believe this but his brains shut and feel instead. sehun’s thumbs are brushing against his cheeks, his hands are holding his face and jongin is literally shaking by the time he suddenly pulls back and looks as lost as jongin looks.

“what was that?” jongin is more amazed at how he can still talk and look at sehun, when all he feel is the sting on his lips, still present and sehun’s taste still against their flesh.

“i don’t know.” sehun says quickly and covers his mouth, he breathes in sharply and this time when he runs out of the bathroom he leaves for good. he leaves a startled, confused, pissed, angry, annoyed, irritated, everything that can describe how his emotions are everywhere right now jongin looking at the door closed. but more than anything he leaves a really angry jongin behind.

he ended up swearing a lot before getting undressed and getting in the shower. god damn it. what was that, what the fuck was that for, did sehun kiss him or did he dream it, or did he start to turn delusional.


it wasn’t a dream nor a delusion. which wasn’t that great because now, sehun was sitting there and looking at him and waiting before talking. he did tell jongin they had to talk as soon as he was out of the bathroom. well, at least luhan left while he was showering. jongin sat legs crossed and glaring across the room.

“i’m sorry,” sehun started and he just knew where this was going. “i shouldn’t have, so let’s hum,” sehun frowns, maybe he realizes how wrong this will sound maybe not but jongin can’t help but scoff and look away, “what? let’s forget it?” he feels so bitter, does sehun knows how much control it takes to keep through a one sided crush, then love for so many years, never cracking and then all of it being blown away because fucking idiot decided he wanted to and went ahead and kissed him? does he know this is not a game.

“sure, let’s forget it sehun. let’s forget everything. also like that time when you were drunk and fifteen and you decided to do the same thing.” jongin can’t stop, it’s overwhelming and overflowing, that had been simply the last straw to his control. “or you know everything else, let’s just forget that you shouldn’t do stuff like this when you’re still fucking luhan and you know, you might have kissed him before kissing me.” this is infuriating, the more he says the more he feels, jongin stands up and stops right in the middle of the room. “and you know what, while we’re at it, also forget that i fucking love an idiot like you, it doesn’t matter at all you know. forget me, and also forget everything you ever do that makes me hope that maybe, maybe you do feel a tiny bit more than just friendship towards me. forget everything but please, stop fucking with me, i’m not a fucking toy, god bless because if i was one i’d be broken and trash by how many times you came trampling over me.”

jongin is left breathless, he opens his mouth and hates the taste of tears against his tongue when he licks them. “and while you do that, let me try to remember why i want to hate you so much.” he ended up on a softer tone, he wasn’t even ashamed of crying right now. it just felt good, even though it still hurts, but it felt so good, the lump in his throat was more of an arrow in his heart now and it felt better, a lot better.

he stops and stares at sehun through his tears and the silence settles itself. it’s like everything has been said, there’s no more. so jongin wipes his tears with his sleeves and just walks out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. he looks at kyungsoo coming out of his own room and everything hits him at the same time and his tears are more than before. when did he turn into such a cry baby? he wonders as kyungsoo gently tugs him in his arms and in his room, murmuring soft, it’s okay, is it sehun again?


“i mean, he said he loves me.” sehun has been repeating it over and over again and baekhyun is starting to get overly annoyed, while chanyeol just keeps a smile on his face. “well, how did i not notice it.” sehun asks himself more than the two people in the kitchen right now. “yeah, it was pretty obvious, i don’t know how you could have missed it either.”

“he’s got the moon in his eyes, that’s how hard he sways for you.” baekhyun says and shudders at his own words, “god damn it, chanyeol you need to stop showing me weird books.” he glares at chanyeol. they have both settled in this friendship, where it doesn’t feel like chanyeol has only known them for a month or so, but since forever. it’s easy to talk to chanyeol, he’s half as crazy, if not more, as baekhyun.

“you guys knew?” sehun asks and looks back and forth between them. “yeah idiot, we knew since day one.” baekhyun answers, scribbles fast things on the paper down on the kitchen counter. sehun’s eyes moves to the fingers, the slow movement, but all his thoughts are focused on just one person. he actually, doesn’t know, he just assumed, friendship were always this way. caring more than ever, because it was jongin and they had known each other for so long, they were used to everything. but, jongin loved him.

he didn’t know what to do with this information, he honestly didn’t know. so maybe when luhan remarked that jongin and him looked like a couple that time he’d asked him out and he had been rather surprised and taken aback and had asked aren’t you dating jongin? and made sehun laugh. this is reality, this is true, jongin loves him and sehun does too, it’s just, it’s different. he’s sure it’s different.

“but, i don’t, like, i don’t love him that way right?” why did this come out as a question, it was supposed to be an affirmation, a positive affirmation, but he did kiss jongin in the bathroom. just something took over him, he didn’t know what, it just did and he had to. because jongin’s always been the chaste one between them, he just assumed maybe that it would always stay this way. why? why couldn’t he swallow the image of jongin and another person than him holding him in his arms and—wait a minute, another person than him?

oh god, he was fucked wasn’t he.

no, sehun shook his head, no he was dating luhan and he really loved luhan. though, yeah he loved luhan right, but he didn’t want jongin to be with anyone. should he like, weight the loss and gain in this or—this is not a game sehun focus. jongin cried too, he was crying when he walked out of the room and sehun had been frozen of fear and pain.

he made jongin cry, was this the first time or were there times when jongin cried because of him?

“god i made him cry, oh god i hate myself.” sehun mumbled, groaning softly, “i hate you too, it’s okay.” baekhyun sighed, ruffling his hair, “but baby, make up your mind. what is it? do something, either go upstairs find jongin and tell him you don’t love him that way, that you want to keep that friendship you guys have and that he should be happy in love with someone else and you have luhan,” baekhyun stopped and tugged gently at his hair, “or?” sehun asked, arching an eyebrow. “or kiss the fuck out of him and make babies please.”

seriously sehun should be worried that the second choice was appealing.

but he wasn’t at all worried when he rose from his seat and made his way upstairs.


kyungsoo sighs, “i don’t want to talk to you, i don’t want to see you, go die you insensitive jerk.” he repeats word for word as he reads it off a paper before looking up at sehun with a tight smile. “is the message clear or do you need some dramatic acting with that?”

sehun shakes his head, like he actually takes kyungsoo seriously on the dramatic acting. “i just want to tlak to him.” he says, and pleads with his eyes and face and hands brought together and a silent please, please, please kyungsoo can’t resist that, how does jongin expects him to fight against this. but wait, no he can, of course he can so he clears his throat and blinks away, “well, talk, i’ll pass the message.”

sehun hesitates with a frown, “okay, maybe not, then see ya.” kyungsoo starts to walk away but sehun stops him and sighs, “fine, tell him, that i wasn’t drunk that night.” kyungsoo stares at him like he’s just said the dumbest shit in this whole world, shakes his head and goes to report, he’s even more shocked jongin understands that and answers, with his head peeking out from the cover, eyes slightly red and mouth dry, “tell him i don’t give a fuck please.” he mumbles and closes his eyes again.

kyungsoo says exactly what he’s been told, “tell him, i did it because he’d been so adorable all day, clinging to me, showing me his new pair of shoes he danced with, and that night at the party, he just, i don’t know why but he was glowing and beautiful and i was so young, i just went ahead and did it because my thoughts kept telling me to do it.”

“fuck this.” kyungsoo mutters and pushes sehun in the room, “do your romeo shit on your own, i’m not some harry potter owl.” he closes the door behind them and sehun hears a click, “oh, call me once you’re done resolving your couple issues.”

sehun stares at the bed where the covers are pulled over a body and the bump it makes, and jongin’s hair sticking out of under the covers, he walks over to the bed, and kneels and he understands. he does now, it’s not just that he cares or feels protective or anything. it’s just, the fact that he remembers that night when he had been fifteen and crushing after jongin without realizing it, the fact that he can remember every single detail, but he couldn’t even remember how was the last time he kissed luhan. the taste, is there, but it’s different.

“jongin?” he calls softly, and his throat is tight, because he feels overwhelmed all of a sudden. jongin’s been in love with him for how long? “i’m sorry.”

“you said that.” jongin mumbles and purses his lips and sighs, “i accept your apology, is that all? then can i sleep?”

sehun sighs, this is going to be a difficult task. he doesn’t want to name it love, not yet, but the hickey on jongin’s neck, and the smell of another man on him, and another man tugging him out of the bar yesterday and jongin losing his first time to someone else than him has sehun inhaling deeply, sharply and biting on his bottom lip, looking down at his lap and sitting on the floor.

“what if, i want to try this? kissing you, and marking you instead, having you in my arms and having my scent over you.” he blurts out quickly and tugs at the covers, “jongin, what i’m saying is, i don’t know what this is, i don’t even know how i never noticed, how is that possible? you’ve always been there and i’ve always been too aware of people who wanted you.” like luhan.

“look at me?” he whispers and tugs more of the cover off jongin’s head, it reveals more and jongin doesn’t try to stop him, which is a good sign. but instead of taking the covers off, he pulls it and looks at jongin’s face, god it’s awful, sehun thinks and aches and then slides under the cover, forces jongin to shift closer to the wall.

“what.” jongin tries to push him but sehun grabs both of his wrists in a strong grip, “i’m trying to lie down next to you, calm down.” he says as if it isn’t obvious, “i don’t want you to lie down next to me.”

sehun frowns, “but i want to, and hold you too, and kiss you maybe, if you’ll allow me.”

jongin blinks, mouth agape and stares at sehun like he just came from mars. “i never said i forgave you.”

“i can earn that too.” sehun is quick to answer, with each words, he stops doubting he wants this and leans in closer to jongin’s face, presses his forehead against his. “and i can take responsibility for your puffy eyes.” he presses a finger against jongin’s cheek and watches him swallow, but they never advert their eyes each of them.

“how does that so easy when you say it?” jongin asks and frowns, because he’s been hiding this for too long, mourning for so long, crying for an entire week, and then, sehun just says it so easily. and he doesn’t know if he should hate him for it, or maybe just fall deeper and love him more.

“because it’s easy, i want you, more than a friend, and sorry it’s taken me so long, and a kiss to realize this.”

“i hate you.” jongin whispers, they’re so close, breath melting together, nose touching and lips hovering, sehun smiles, he doesn’t answer, he doesn’t want to, he wants to kiss jongin, and he does kiss jongin. he hides the hickey on jongin’s neck with his thumb, this doesn’t work, he presses his thumb and jongin whimpers softly against his mouth, hands gripping at his sides and pulling them closer. but this could definitely work.


so, “good luck.” kyungsoo pats sehun’s back and everyone in the room gives him encouraging look. well, he gathers his courage and walks in the café, head straight to the counter and smiles at luhan who offers him the same soft smile he always does. god fuck, this is revenge for what he did to jongin isn’t it?

“hum, luhan? can we talk?”

“about your future babies?” luhan asks and leans against the counters, sehun chokes on air. “what.”

“i’m angry at you, but i guess it was about time, i mean we were good together weren’t we? we had good times. but i think you’ve always belonged to him, i told you so.” luhan says softly, and he does sound sad, sehun wants to feel bad, wait he feels bad so he reaches his hands but luhan shakes his head. “don’t make this too difficult, i’m not jongin, if you show interest, i grip it and i’ll make you mine again.” he says with such assurance and sehun can’t help but laugh softly.

okay, sehun nods, but still he leans in and pulls luhan in an affectionate hug, “you’ll find better.” he says and kisses his cheek and they’ll keep in touch obviously because luhan is part of his life now, and he walks away with one last wave.

“you don’t feel like murdering him?” luhan startles and looks at his side, “no why?” he looks at yixing shrug and then start talking in a chinese luhan has taught him more than school has, “well, he just dumped you.” yixing says and luhan shrugs, “so? i’ve got you.” he says and wraps an arm around yixing, “you’re all i need.” he laughs at the face yixing pulls and pats his back. “please just go make sure tao isn’t messing with the kitchen, and leave my love life alone. i’m not the one who broke it, you’re the one who did it.” yixing sighs, but he has to admit, he did give some tips to jongin, well were there even helpful?

“okay,” yixing walks in the kitchen just in time to avoid a disaster, “tao no, don’t touch it with your bare hands.” he shouts and rushes, it’s quiet until luhan laughs at them.


you guys can leave me prompts here~ any type, any pairings, i'll write~
Tags: chanyeol/kyungsoo, oneshot, out of one direction, rated pg-13, sehun/kai, sehun/luhan
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